It happens to the best of us. One day, sex feels natural, easy, something you look forward to. Next, you find yourself saying no more than you’d expect. You may experience feelings of guilt, shame, or concern that something is amiss in your relationship or yourself. The truth is, though, that saying no isn’t always a bad sign. Actually, it’s frequently an indication that something more serious is going on that requires consideration, care, and comprehension.
When couples come into therapy, one of the most common concerns they share is how they’ve been avoiding intimacy. A lot of times, the avoidance isn’t about attraction but about fear, exhaustion, or emotional struggles that have piled up silently. A therapist working with couples would say, “Don’t panic. It’s normal to go through this, and you’re not alone.”
In this blog, I’ll share five reasons people say no to sex, why it’s happening, and some helpful therapist advice for couples on overcoming sexual avoidance in a way that feels supportive—not forced. This isn’t about quick fixes or advice that sounds rehearsed. It’s about real, practical steps you can try right now.
1. Emotional Distance – You Care, but It Feels Hard
One of the biggest reasons people pull away is emotional distance. Maybe you and your partner have been arguing more, or maybe you’ve been too busy to really connect. It’s easy for emotional disconnection to build up quietly without you even noticing.
When you don’t feel emotionally connected, sex feels less appealing—or even exhausting. You might think, “I love them, but I just don’t feel like it right now.” That’s okay. Attraction isn’t always about desire—it’s about feeling safe and seen.
Therapist’s advice for couples:
Start by checking in with one another, even if it feels awkward. Ask, “How have you been feeling?” or “Is there something we need to talk about?” It doesn’t have to be a heavy conversation every time. Even sharing how the day went can break the ice.
Set aside time regularly—even if it’s just 10 or 15 minutes—to talk. Doing this consistently helps rebuild trust. You’re showing each other that you’re available emotionally, not just physically.
2. Stress, Work Pressure, and Anxiety – It’s Not Just in Your Head
It’s not surprising that you’re not in the mood if you’ve been stressed out, tired from work, or worried about money or family. Stress can have effects on your body that you might not expect. When cortisol, the stress hormone, is high, your body is more concerned with staying alive than having fun.
Worrying about how you look, perform, or whether you’re “good enough” can also make sex seem scarier. It’s not uncommon to say no just to avoid feeling vulnerable.
Therapist’s advice for couples:
First, don’t pretend it’s not happening. Acknowledge the stress and anxiety openly. Saying “I’m overwhelmed and not feeling up to it” is okay—it’s not a rejection, it’s being honest.
Second, create stress-free moments together. Even brief rituals like watching a movie, going for a walk, or doing breathing exercises before bed can lower tension.
You can say, “I’m stressed, but I still want to be close.” “Can we cuddle for a while?” This takes away the stress and makes room for connection.
3. Past trauma or emotional baggage You can get better together, even though it’s hard.
For some people, saying no is linked to things that happened in the past that made them feel scared or hurt. You might have been hurt, betrayed, or abused in past relationships. You might be acting differently now because of something that happened in the past that you feel bad about.
Trauma doesn’t just go away, even if it happened a long time ago. Those experiences weigh heavily on your body and mind, especially when it comes to touch or being close to someone.
Therapist’s advice for couples:
Start by talking about boundaries and triggers. It’s okay to say, “This makes me uncomfortable,” or “Can we slow down?” A therapist would encourage couples to approach this with compassion rather than frustration.
You don’t have to have sex right away. Sometimes, simple things like holding hands or spending quiet time together can help you rebuild trust. These times remind you both that you can still connect and that safety is still within reach.
One of the most caring ways to deal with sexual avoidance is to use a trauma-informed approach. It teaches couples how to move on at their own pace.
4. Changes in your body and hormones, it’s not just in your head.
You might think that desire should always be there, but your body has a big part to play. Changes in hormones, tiredness, medications, or illnesses can all make you feel bad physically.
Pregnancy, the time after giving birth, and menopause can all temporarily change a woman’s libido. Men’s sexual interest can drop or they can worry about how well they will perform because they are tired, their hormones change with age, or they have health problems like diabetes.
Sometimes medications like antidepressants or blood pressure medicines also play a role—and it’s nothing to be ashamed of.
Therapist’s advice for couples:
Talk about it openly, without embarrassment. A therapist would say, “Discussing how you feel physically is part of intimacy, not a weakness.”
Seeing a doctor together can also help you feel less isolated. Making changes, like changing medications or dealing with pain, can make a big difference.
Understand that being close to someone isn’t just about sex; it’s also about being there for each other as you go through changes. Taking care of your health together builds trust and closeness, which can help you get through the pain.
5. Fear of Rejection or Not Being Desired – The Silent Barrier
Sometimes avoidance comes from fear. Fear that your partner doesn’t find you attractive anymore. Fear that intimacy will expose you in a way that’s hard to handle. Fear of being judged.
When fear creeps in, it’s easier to say no than to risk feeling rejected or vulnerable.
You might think, “If I say yes, I’ll have to perform perfectly,” or “They’ll see I’m not good enough.” It’s exhausting—but it’s also common.
Therapist’s advice for couples:
Talk about your fears openly. Saying, “I’m afraid of being judged,” removes some of the power fear holds over you.
Use “I feel” statements instead of blame. For example, “I feel nervous about being close,” rather than “You never make me feel wanted.”
Also, practice non-sexual affection. Acts like cuddling, complimenting, or even holding hands can help rebuild confidence without the pressure of performance.
This gradual rebuilding is a powerful way to approach overcoming sexual avoidance, one step at a time.
How to Move Forward – One Step at a Time
If any of this sounds familiar, please know that it’s okay. Saying no to sex isn’t a sign that something is broken—it’s a sign that something needs attention.
Here’s how you can start rebuilding intimacy with practical steps based on therapist’s advice for couples:
- Check in regularly. Ask how your partner is feeling without trying to fix everything at once.
- Create stress-free spaces. Even short periods of connection can lower anxiety and open hearts.
- Talk about boundaries and triggers. Healing takes time—give yourself that space.
- Address health openly. Physical changes are normal, and discussing them helps both partners feel supported.
- Name your fears. Fear of rejection or inadequacy is nothing to be ashamed of—it’s human.
These steps help shift the focus from “fixing sex” to “building connection,” which naturally reduces avoidance.
Final Thoughts
It’s not the end if you feel distant from your partner; it’s the start of figuring out what’s really going on. Saying no to sex is a way for your body and mind to ask for help, whether it’s because you’re stressed, traumatized, sick, or scared.
The good news is that you can rebuild intimacy over time by talking to each other, being kind, and working together. Therapist advice for couples can help you in ways that are kind, realistic, and doable, not forced or judgmental.
Getting over sexual avoidance isn’t about pushing for performance; it’s about making room for trust, comfort, and being open. Couples can get back to being close with each other, even stronger than before, if they are patient, honest, and make small, steady efforts.
You’re not alone. It’s okay to take your time.
Frequently Asked Questions
1. Why do I suddenly not want to have sex with my partner?
Stress, feeling distant from your partner, or changes in your health can make you less interested. It’s normal and doesn’t mean your relationship is over.
2. Are there things that happened to me in the past that make me not want to be close to people?
Yes. If someone betrays or hurts you, it can be hard to feel safe around them again. But getting help and healing can help you trust them again.
3. What effect does stress have on my sex drive?
When you’re stressed, your body makes more cortisol, which makes it focus on staying alive instead of having fun. Talking and relaxing can help with anxiety.
4. Should I talk to my partner even if I don’t want to?
Of course. Talking openly helps people understand each other and stops them from getting things wrong. Talking about how you feel makes the bond stronger.
5. Is it okay to go to therapy for not wanting sex?
Yes. Couples therapy helps people deal with emotional, physical, or mental blocks safely and work toward closeness without feeling rushed.
References
- American Psychological Association (APA) – Their articles on stress, anxiety, and relationships explain how emotional health directly affects intimacy and communication between couples.
https://www.apa.org - National Sexual Violence Resource Center (NSVRC) – Provides resources on how trauma and past experiences can affect intimacy and offers advice on creating safe and supportive relationships. https://www.nsvrc.org
- Psychology Today – Features expert-written articles on communication, emotional connection, and how couples can rebuild intimacy when distance or stress arises. https://www.psychologytoday.com
- National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH) – Offers insights into how stress, depression, and anxiety impact both mental and physical health, including sexual desire.
https://www.nimh.nih.gov