Can sexual issues be the reason behind cheating in a relationship?
Short answer: sometimes, but rarely by themselves. Sexual issues (low desire, erectile problems, mismatch in needs, sexual boredom) can contribute a powerful risk for infidelity, yet cheating is almost always the result of several factors piling up — emotional distance, poor communication, life stress, opportunity, and choices — not only the bedroom. Below, I’ll explain how sexual problems and cheating connect, why sexual dissatisfaction doesn’t excuse betrayal, and what couples can do instead of drifting apart.
What we mean by “sexual issues”
When people say “sexual problems,” they mean a range of things: persistent low libido (little or no sex drive), erectile dysfunction, painful sex or vaginal dryness, differences in frequency or style of sex wanted, lack of orgasm or arousal problems, and chronic sexual boredom or mismatch. These may come from hormones, medications, mental health, medical conditions, past trauma, or relationship dynamics themselves. Health services list relationship problems as a common contributor to low libido; physical and psychological causes both matter.
Sexual difficulties don’t exist in a vacuum. They interact with everyday life: fatigue, children, job stress, alcohol or drug use, and emotional closeness. Over time, what starts as a “bedroom problem” can spill into daily life and become a broader relational problem.
How sexual issues erode relationships
Sexual issues can chip away at a relationship slowly:
- Repeated rejection feels personal. If one partner frequently turns down sex, the other may feel undesired, unattractive, or rejected. Rejection builds hurt and resentment.
- Resentment replaces curiosity. Distasteful assumptions like “they don’t want me anymore” can replace honest questions like “what changed?”
- Intimacy and sex feed each other. Emotional closeness tends to boost desire; desire boosts closeness. If sex fades, emotional bonding often follows.
- Secretive behavior grows. A partner who feels sexually neglected may withdraw, seek validation elsewhere online, or secretly find sexual outlets that bypass conversations at home.
Medical and counseling resources emphasize that problems in the relationship are a common and treatable cause of low sexual desire — meaning the problem is often relational as well as physiological.
Do sexual problems actually cause cheating?
Short answer: sexual problems increase risk, but they don’t automatically cause cheating. The relationship between sexual dissatisfaction and infidelity is complex:
- Research reviews and empirical studies find an association between sexual dissatisfaction and a higher likelihood of affairs — sexual boredom or unmet sexual needs are often listed among the common reasons people give for cheating. But association ≠ simple causation: affairs most often happen when sexual issues sit on top of emotional distance, poor communication, personality factors, or life transitions.
- Relationship researchers like the Gottmans note a subtle but important point: an affair is frequently a symptom of a dying relationship, not merely the cause of its death. In other words, the same dynamics that reduce intimacy and sex (contempt, criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, neglect) also make affairs more likely. That still leaves moral and personal responsibility with the person who cheats — the decision is theirs.
So: sexual problems can be a pathway to infidelity — they lower satisfaction, create secrecy and resentment, and make alternatives seem attractive — but they’re rarely the only ingredient.
Common pathways from sexual problems to cheating
Here are the typical routes researchers and therapists see:
- Unmet needs → outside seeking. If someone’s sexual and emotional needs feel consistently ignored, they may look for those needs to be met elsewhere. The outside relationship might be emotional at first, then sexual.
- Avoidance and poor communication. Couples who avoid talking about sex (embarrassment, shame, fear) accumulate unresolved issues. Silence can be the incubator for secret contact and resentment.
- Validation-seeking. Low self-esteem from sexual rejection can drive a person to seek validation through flirting, dating apps, or affairs. This is sometimes framed as “it’s not about sex — it’s about feeling wanted” — but both are connected.
- Revenge or punishment. Sometimes, a partner cheats to “get back” at perceived neglect or punishment. This is destructive and rarely heals anything.
- Opportunity + lowered barriers. Technology, travel, and social environments increase opportunity. If relationship barriers are down because of dissatisfaction, the chance of acting on temptation grows.
Research shows that while sexual dissatisfaction explains part of the risk for infidelity, individual personality, environment, and past behavior also matter.
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Important clarifications — don’t let “because” become an excuse
- Responsibility matters. Even if sexual problems set the scene, choosing to betray is still a choice. Therapists and researchers emphasize accountability: one partner’s medical or relational shortcomings don’t justify another’s decision to cheat.
- Not all affairs are sexual-first. Many affairs begin emotionally (friendship, confiding), especially in partnerships where emotional needs aren’t met. Emotional infidelity can be as damaging as sexual cheating. Gottman and other clinicians highlight emotional distance as a key precursor.
- Infidelity isn’t always a relationship death sentence. Many couples recover if both commit, seek help, and address underlying issues. Rebuilding trust is hard work but possible.
Practical steps couples can take (before it gets to “cheating”)
- Open a gentle conversation. Replace blame with curiosity: “I miss our closeness. Can we talk about what’s changed?” Use “I” statements. This reduces shame and increases cooperation.
- Get a medical check. Low libido or sudden sexual change can follow thyroid issues, hormones, medications (like antidepressants), chronic illness, or pain conditions. A primary care doctor or sexual health clinic can help.
- See a couples or sex therapist. Sex therapy and couples therapy give a structured space to talk, learn skills, and practice safer vulnerability. Therapists can help identify whether the issue is medical, psychological, or relational.
- Small experiments, not pressure. Try scheduled non-demand sexual touch, sensate-focus exercises, or date nights that rebuild playfulness — nothing focused on performance.
- Address non-sex issues. Money stress, parenting load, sleep deprivation, and depression often reduce desire. Fixing these practical drains improves sex indirectly.
- Set clear boundaries about fidelity and online behavior. Agree what counts as betrayal for you both (emotional closeness, secret messaging, sexual contact) and keep accountability that feels fair.
When to worry and when to reach for help
If missing sexual connection is beginning to push one or both partners toward risky behaviors (secret accounts, emotional hiding, fantasizing about leaving), or if someone has already crossed a boundary, it’s time to get help. A combination of medical review (for physical causes) and couples therapy (for communication, trust, and relational skills) is the most common recommendation from clinicians.
Final takeaway
Sexual issues — low desire, dysfunction, mismatch, or boredom — are a meaningful risk factor for infidelity because they weaken intimacy, increase resentment, and sometimes push people to seek connection elsewhere. But sexual problems rarely act alone. Cheating is most often the product of multiple unmet needs, choices, and patterns. That matters for two reasons: first, it keeps the focus on solving problems (medical or relational) rather than assigning blame; second, it keeps the responsibility where it belongs — with the person who decides to betray trust.
If sexual problems are present in your relationship, act early: talk, rule out medical causes, try couples or sex therapy, and protect the relationship with clear boundaries. Doing this reduces the chance that frustration becomes a reason — or a cover — for cheating.
FAQs
1. Are sexual problems the most common reason people cheat?
No single reason tops the list. Sexual dissatisfaction is often cited among the reasons, but emotional neglect, low commitment, personal factors (e.g., narcissism), opportunity, and life transitions are also frequent contributors. Affairs are usually multi-causal.
2. If my partner has a low libido, am I justified in cheating?
No. Feeling frustrated is understandable, but cheating is a choice and harms trust. The healthier path is communicating, seeking evaluation, and trying therapy or medical help first.
3. Can therapy save a relationship where sexual problems led to an affair?
Yes, many couples recover after affairs if both partners commit to honest work, therapy, and concrete changes. Rebuilding trust takes time and professional help often speeds and steadies the process.
4. Are men and women driven to cheat for different sexual reasons?
Trends in some studies show men are more likely to cite sexual reasons, while women often cite emotional disconnection — but these are general patterns, not rules. Individual motivations vary widely.
5. My partner’s medication lowered their libido — can couples do anything short of stopping meds?
Yes. Talk to the prescriber about alternatives or dose adjustments, try scheduling intimacy, sensate-focus exercises, or see a sex therapist to build a connection without pressuring for performance. Always discuss medication changes with a clinician.
References & further reading
- “Low sex drive (loss of libido).” NHS (National Health Service, UK). nhs.uk
- Rokach, A., “Love and Infidelity: Causes and Consequences” (review, 2023). PMC/NCBI. PMC
- Selterman et al., “No Remorse: Sexual Infidelity Is Not Clearly Linked with …” PMC (2023). PMC
- “The Path to Infidelity: What Gottman Research Tells Us” and Gottman Institute posts on affairs and rebuilding trust. Gottman Institute
- “The Relationship Between Sexual Satisfaction and Husband’s …” (cross-sectional analyses and local studies; see academic literature). Arrus Journal
- “Why Do People in Relationships Cheat?” Verywell Mind (overview of motivations and risk factors). Verywell Mind
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